Saturday, 10 July 2010
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Currently
Broken
By Seether, Amy Lee
see relatedDreams = smashed.
Add another miscarriage to my unfortunate list... and I learned that my grandmother on my father's side had 18 miscarriages. I'm sitting at 3, and two premature labors. Stupid broken, scarred, disgusting body...
Things haven't been going all that well this month... I think that's the best and safest way to put things.
Pyscho bitch has severe postpartum depression, and when you add my own baby blues misery, we're sure to butt heads or come to blows eventually... especially when she's so very content on believing I'm a stupid, naive creature for some lacking experience in life. It was a path I chose---the life of a reclusive woman. I missed out on a lot of opportunities and a lot of life experiences, but that doesn't make me slow, or stupid mentally. Only inexperienced.
I know life, I know it's hard, and I know it's cruel. Missing out on some experiences does not mean a person doesn't know anything about life.
Not to toot my own little horn... but I'm lightyears ahead of this little girl (okay, she's not so "little", but she's younger than I am and thinks she knows everything) when it comes to maturity and calculation. At least I think before I do something, at least I weigh the pros, cons, and everything in between. I don't see things in black or white. I don't see simply the benefits I might receive.
I'd best stop my rant before I get into more trouble.
Monday, 28 June 2010
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Which failed?
Okay, to say that I'm extremely pissed off this morning is the understatement of the year.
We have the 2 year old (almost 3 now) back for the week. Mom and dad exchange custody every week on Sunday. I don't mind the child---after all, he's just a child. I get upset, however, when there are 6 adults living in this house and I'm apparently the only one who was bred with any responsibility (husband not included, he's working all the time, and when he gets home he just wants to be left alone so he can rest). I don't understand how I'm the person for the child-raising job when it is not my child to raise, and certainly not my responsibility.
I'm not sleeping very well anyway... which is no big surprise. I have a lot on my plate, and even more to think about. I've been up since about 6AM... off and on. I'm sure I dozed off between 6-7 at some point, but I was still conscious. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I was still very aware of what was going on throughout the house.
Come 7AM or so, psycho bitch let the 2 year old out of the room... but she neglected to do the one thing I asked her before ever releasing him from the room, which is let the dogs out. Now, my dogs aren't mean. They aren't ferocious, and they aren't dangerous---but all animals have a flip switch and can become so. I didn't, and don't, want the kid to get hurt, or scared, because no one is watching the little brat around them. We were sleeping, psycho bitch is too busy on her cellphone to pay any attention to what's going on around her, and grandma is the worst Hulu TV addict you'll ever see or meet. Heaven, God, whatever forbid she take her eyes off the computer screen to make sure her grandchild was safe.
I laid there, still as I could be, trying to ignore the situation because right now I'm so sick and tired of being responsible for this other woman's child. How careless can you be? In a vindictive, bitter way, I wanted her to have to come out here to the living room (where we truly live and sleep) and take up the reins of motherhood. Maybe she would learn her lesson somehow.
Remy (Australian Shepherd) has no problem with Jacobe. He's been around young kids, and loves them to boot. Abby, however, and I'm sure I've explained this before, has never been around anyone younger than 18 years old. I'm being extremely careful with her because she is part wild dog. She's queensland heeler, black lab, and dingo. I don't want her to get her jaws around him. I've seen what she can do to a huge, meaty bone in two minutes, and I've seen how easily she can tear into a golf ball. He would look like he came out of a meat grinder. I do not want to take the chance of him being hurt.
So, psycho bitch lets him out... and what does he do? He stomps straight over to Abby, who is sleeping on the couch above our mattress, and screams right in her face. He scared the Bejeezus out of her, and so she started barking at him. She backed away from him, and kept her distance. She really doesn't want anything to do with him, but the look in her eyes said if he got too close, she would do what she had to, which could mean anything from more loud barks, or tearing him to pieces.
Jacobe started crying because her barking scared him. Hubby's mother came running out of her room like a bat out of hell and screamed "what happened?!" In the mean time, psycho bitch came out of the kitchen with his sippy, and said, "That damned fucking dog of theirs."
...
"Get them outside! Get them outside! There's no point for my grandbaby to get hurt just because they have a bad, mean dog!"
Now hold on! Our Abby isn't bad, and she isn't mean! She just isn't used to ill-mannered, unwatched little bastards coming at her and screaming at the top of their lungs in her face, and not all barks are "mean" barks. Abby is a sassy little thing, and she barks to show a variety of things. She barks when she wants attention, when she wants to play, when she's afraid, when she doesn't like what you're doing, when she doesn't get her way, and even when you tell her "don't sass me, little lady".
Take a hint, she was fucking warning him. Keep an eye on your son if you're as worried as I am about him being hurt. He's lucky he backed off, and he's lucky he didn't hit her like he does the poor cats. I don't know how many times I've reprimanded him for slapping my kitties around.
The cats have been super patient with him, but every once in a while, they've just had enough and they'll slap him right back, with once significant difference---they bring blood.
Why do our animals keep being punished for her child not being supervised?
What do you think? Which failed? Bad dog training, or bad parenting?
Sunday, 27 June 2010
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Things have been hectic, which is why I haven't been posting as vigorously as I would normally do. Trying to lay down all my thoughts in a house full of nosy, privacy-invading people isn't exactly easy.
I'm not really even too sure where to begin. Hubby is really enjoying his work up at O'Reilly's, which is really good. I'm glad he's enjoying himself, and he does love to learn. His job has him learning something new and useful everyday, and he loves it. You really can't ask for more than that.
Despite all my applications and hunting around, I've yet to receive a single call back on any of the jobs I've applied to. A little discouraging... Okay, a lot discouraging, but I won't touch this subject right now because, as things are, I'm a very handle-flying emotional woman right now. I might go off on a rant on a subject I didn't mean to rant about.
The main thing I wanted to get off my chest, is that his parents are driving me completely insane. While I lived in a state where things were totally ass backwards before... I've never met two people who were literally ass backwards---not like them. His father in particular.
The man worries about gas in the truck (although we never get to use the damn thing, he won't share it to save his life and it's the only vehicle we have) but won't fill it up. He keeps throwing his money away by only sticking $5 and $10 in the tank for in-town driving. It guzzles it up in a single day with the way he drives, and the previously mentioned ass backwards way he goes about things.
Don't believe me about the ass backwards? Mkay, I'll let you in on a normal, run-of-the-mill errand day. Hubby and I get the truck for an hour. In this hour, we have to travel across town about 3 times. Traveling across town just once takes about 15 minutes alone. In this sparse time limit, we're to go get me job applications and whatnot---but wait, now we have to take his psycho sister. Take her to where she has to go, but first drop me off in the heat to walk around to all these businesses. Now, take her back to her original place she has to go, wait for her there, bring her back to the house, go pick me up, drop me off again, and then go do what daddy wants hubby to do while I'm, again, in the heat walking around aimlessly trying to find a job when no one wants me. Oh, then pick me up when hubby is done, and bring me home, then take his sister out again.
Wouldn't it have been much more simple to just, oh, I don't know... have us pile into the car, and stay together to save on gas, instead of running around like idiots and splitting up? Instead of stopping and going to 5 million different places, let's make a little check list. Sister has some where to be at a specific time. Take her there, drop her off, then take me to the businesses I know are hiring so I can get my apps. While I'm filling out the apps, hubby can go do what daddy needs him to do, pick me back up, then drive back to where we dropped her off, pick her up, and we can all return to the house at one time. Our time limit would have been met, and everything that needed to be done would be done, with time to spare, without rushing or getting pissy about how things have to be done.
Now that that is out of the way... Hubby and I found a car on craigslist that was both affordable and reliable. My car costs too much to fix right now (damn you, Mitsubishi-knockfoff!) because the air compressor alone is $500 without labor. That doesn't include the new window motor for the passenger side, or the registration or inspection. Hell, we haven't even been "allowed" to go get our Texas licenses yet.
Anyway, it was an '02 Ford Focus (I hate Ford... but the Focuses aren't too bad) for $3200, and the guy at the bank would give us a loan because he knows hubby very well. Unfortunately, we have to get mommy and daddy's permission. Hubby sent them a link to the car, had his dad look at it, and while I was putting up a very scrumptious chinese dinner that I made, cornered hubby out on the front yard and all but humiliated him in front of his psycho sister and backstabbing brother.
"We cannot afford a car right now. We have too much debt to pay off." We? I think not. There is no "we" in this. There is hubby and I, and the need for a second car. Here's the other thing, hubby's job is in peril because he doesn't have a reliable source of transportation, and, let's face it, we're going crazy being stuck in this house waiting on a truck that never has enough gas to get us where we need to go. It really doesn't look good when you have to ask fellow employees for rides to and fro from work...
That, and oh yeah... there isn't enough room in the truck for everyone, and there's not enough room for another car seat. DING! The news is broken.
That was ridiculous. I'm sure I'm handle-flying again, but it upset hubby, and so it upsets me. No one in this house is willing to listen to any sort of reason---not to mention rationality. It isn't that we necessarily want another car, and we certainly don't want another bill. It's that we need another car. I can't go job hunting at 11 at night, I can't go pay for a license change at midnight, and neither can hubby. We have things we have to do in the day that we aren't able to do. Stuff is too far away to walk, especially in this hot weather, and I'm already having complications. I'm not going to risk everything I have my heart set on because these people are idiots.
Rant #2: As hubby was being humiliated on the front lawn, he was also told he was going to be giving his father his entire first paycheck. What? We have things we have to buy. Not stuff we want to buy, but necessities that we have to buy. There's a difference. Where is all this money going that he's making ($1200 a month), and all of the cash he's getting from psycho sister and backstabbing brother?
"Six more paychecks from EVERYBODY and we should be out of debt."
... This debt is not ours to pay off. It is not our responsibility to pay for your mistakes.
I have no problem helping out with utilities... but, you better give me a goddamn bill. I don't, and can't, trust you people to pay a bill with the cash. It's been proven you waste the money on something stupid. Just like the electricity bill that you neglected to pay---and because of what? Oh, that's right, your wife wanted more street drugs.
I'm not paying for your bad habits. I'm not responsible for YOUR irresponsibility.
I doubt this blog made much sense. I'm too angry to care.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
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Tired.
I'm tired... in a very literal sense.
My list of things that I'm tired of (most likely incomplete due to emotional trauma):
- I'm tired of every moment that's supposed to be joyous in our lives being nothing but torment.
- I'm tired of every happy moment being ripped away.
- I'm tired of all the drama and blame.
- I'm tired of desperately wanting to be held, and when I finally get my wish for such a loving embrace, I pull away because I'm too afraid of being hurt. Again.
- I'm tired of being the one responsible.
- I'm tired of being the only one with answers.
- I'm tired of the "I don't know" for every question that's asked.
- I'm tired of searching for the answers no one will give me.
- I'm tired of being hurt.
- I'm tired of putting my heart on the line.
- I'm tired of the BS, especially concerning the in-laws.
- I'm tired of the accusations.
- I'm tired of feeling like a roommate with "benefits".
- I'm tired of holding my tongue because I just might piss someone off with what I have to say, right or wrong.
- I'm tired of being the bad guy (or rather, girl).
- I'm tired of sacrificing everything that has been near and dear to me when the door doesn't swing both ways---in-laws extra included in this.
- I'm tired of suffering.
- I'm tired of being afraid.
- I'm tired of being paranoid and wondering what new scheme this family will try to put into action.
- I'm tired of the guilt trips.
- I'm tired of being screwed by the world---though that's unlikely to change.
- I'm tired of trying to talk, and never being able to penetrate that brick wall---or thick skull.
- I'm tired of waiting for a future that keeps getting farther and farther away.
- I'm tired of my dreams crumbling at my fingertips.
- I'm tired of my words falling on deaf ears, or those words not being heeded.
- I'm tired of my fears becoming reality.
- I'm tired of wanting, wanting, wanting your love, and the acceptance of your family and peers.
- I'm tired of not being introduced as your wife.
- I'm tired of the pressure.
- I'm tired of the nightmares.
- I'm tired of worrying.
- I'm tired of being too suspicious to go to bed at night.
- I'm tired of being taken advantage of.
- I'm tired of wanting a better life, and feeling bad for wanting it.
- I'm tired of feeling undeserving.
- I'm tired of feeling unattractive, non-sexy, or not beautiful enough.
- I'm tired of wondering what I'm doing wrong, and what I've done wrong.
- I'm tired of wondering what other people have in life that I don't possess.
- Tired of people giving me simplistic ideas and goals, when life isn't simple.
- Tired of trying to fix things when I shouldn't be the only one giving the effort to fix them.
- I'm tired of my life being wasted.
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
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There comes a time in your life where you have to wonder two things: Why, and what have I done?
Surely, I've done my very best to be a good daughter, a good person, and when I was married, I've strived for nothing more than to be a good wife. I try my damnedest, and the only thing I have ever asked in return is one simple thing: honesty.
Granted, honesty is something rare to come by these days, and in this world, being honest isn't an easy challenge to take. It isn't an easy road to live by... but cowardice is no excuse for lies. All I have ever asked is honesty. Talk to me, be open with me, and try your best to keep secrets to a minimum. If you cannot be loyal, at least be honest. Do not lie to my face to spare me heartache. I have the right, and I deserve, to know when I'm on the losing side---and I think I have the right to know when my life could be in danger.
You do not think before you act, and I can guarantee no other woman would put up with the things you do, and stand by you through thick and thin, like I have.
I come to my questions now... Why? Why have you done the things you have done? Am I so repulsive? Have I not done my best to make you, and keep you, happy? Are you only with me because you know I'm incapable of showing you the pain that you've shown me? You know that you're safe with me... is that the issue? Were you so unhappy that you needed to seek your happiness in the arms of another woman, you should have at least told me. You cannot rule both worlds. It doesn't work that way. Neither of us (the other woman and I) deserve a half life with you. That's cruel and selfish.
What have I done? What could I have done differently? I have fought, and fought, and fought to keep our lives happy, to keep hope alive for the future even in our darkest hours. When I looked into my future, I only saw two things; you, and our home in Oklahoma. I always saw you.
From the time I was thirteen, I saw you. How can you claim to love someone so deeply, and betray them---their love, their hearts---for these flings? If you were honestly capable of love, you would take preventative measures to keep from hurting the person you claim to care about. You would learn the meaning of the word "no", and you would know how wrong it is to string these stalker-esque leeches of women that you have fawning all over you is.
Are you even aware of the hate you've seeded in these women toward me? What in the world have you been saying to them about me that would so pronounce me as what they see me as? Are you even aware that they want to take me "out of the picture" so they can have you to themselves?
What's more sickening, is that you keep going. You do not stop. You say that they are stupid mistakes, but you aren't willing to rectify them. You say that they aren't your wife, and mean nothing. If they mean nothing, what is the allure? Why continue the charade?
If you are so unhappy, tell me. Release me. I do not deserve to suffer while you lie and cheat and reap the best of me, only to leave me cold, frightened, and empty. I deserve a chance at the happiness you promised me... with, or without you.
In short, I am betrayed, and I'm tired of being lonely and hurt.
The bullshit with the rest of who-shall-remain-nameless never stops, either. Our animals are now being mistreated, and as I've said before, these "animals" are like my kids. I don't like being accused of crap, and I certainly don't like seeing my "kids" being blamed for every little thing that goes wrong in the world.
The flea issue is still a rising subject for argument. We have treated all of our animals---but all of these measures to keep them healthy and flealess are for naught when their own remains untreated and spreading them around the house.
I'm just so tired of the fight. Tired of the nightmares. Tired of every thing being ass backwards. It would be worth it to return to Arizona and be homeless rather than stay here, always to blame.
I am also on the block for constant ridicule for my illness. I don't know how many times I have to say it, but here we go again: I am NOT lazy.
His parents want to take me to the emergency room to find out what's "wrong" with me... but getting it through their heads that I know what's wrong with me, and if they don't stop running me ragged, things will only get worse. They want me to get on some nonexistent pill to fix me when there is no cure, and I refuse to be put on steroids that will murder my weak heart.
Things have gone as far as his mother (the pill addict) trying to buy things off the street so I'll be some form of useful. Uh, no. Keep your damned street bought drugs, I am not taking them!
You want to know what's wrong? Look in the mirror, and leave me alone!
I'm sure I've forgotten to include several key points... unfortunately, my brain is hazy from all the emotions roiling around my head---the same emotions that threaten to break the remnants of my heart more so, so I'll conclude with this:
MEN SUCK!
tranquil_element
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- Name: Tranq
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 4/19/2010
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